The Rest of the Story

When J finally came back to the room, he looked excited and scared all at the same time. He had spent nearly two hours in the NICU trying to digest the situation. Just hours before, we had had no idea we'd be parents that day! Unfortunately, I was not able to see our baby due to my condition. It was a little surreal to know that I was a mom but not know what my son looked like. J brought pictures for me to see. I have to admit that I was a little jealous that he'd been able to hold him, but I was so happy to see the love in his eyes. He excitedly told me that Finley was 3 lbs 2 oz and 15 1/2 inches long. He seemed so tiny! The NNP told him that they would have flown me to Denver to deliver Fin if they'd known he was going to be so small. He was under the limit for delivery here in town. Thank goodness we didn't have to go through that!
J then told me that he'd talked to my mom several times that day, and she would be in town by 11pm. I had told her she didn't need to come, so she called him instead! Ha.

The next 5 days were tough. I finally got to meet our son at about 10:30 the next morning. I started crying like a baby when I held him. I hadn't cried during the entire ordeal until then. So much for being a tough girl!

I cannot believe I'm posting the picture above. I looked like Humongo-girl still. Yikes. And J is still wearing his clothes from the day before. We were a little unprepared for the turn of events.

Finally, I was taken off of the magnesium sulfate, so I slowly started to feel more normal. We spent as much time as possible in the NICU those next couple of days. On Thursday, my doc was discussing the fact that my blood pressure was still high when the pediatrician, an NNP and another nurse walked into our room with news. Unfortunately, Fin was having trouble regulating his glucose levels. They planned to establish a main line through his umbilical cord to administer a glucose drip. If they couldn't get one in, then they would probably fly him to Denver. They said they would be back in two hours with an update. When they returned with bad news, we were devastated. They then told us they were going to try playing with his IV to see if they could bring down his levels manually over the next couple of hours before making a decision. Basically, we sat and waited every two hours that entire day to see if things would improve. We were ecstatic when they told us that what they had done seemed to be working. Thankfully, he slowly got better over the next few days until the scare was finally over. He got down to 2 lbs 8 oz during the ordeal!

I was released from the hospital at 11pm Friday night. It was surreal to leave the hospital without our child, but it was nice to sleep in my own bed. Not much sleep was had between pumping and a 4am alarm... we were showered and out the door by 5:30 to get to the hospital by 6am. This would be the start of my new reality.

After another week, J went back to work and my mom went back home. I spent my days in the NICU-- from 6am until 7 or 8pm. Before coming home, Finley would have to eat without a feeding tube and continue to grow. The last couple of days were filled with tests-- car seat test, rooming-in test, etc., but after 38 days in the NICU, he was able to come home with us! When we took him home, he weighed 4 lbs 14 oz.
After a week, he was able to come off the oxygen. And, four weeks after being home, he weighed 6 lbs 6 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long! He's growing like a weed. He's pushing the limits of his preemie clothes, but he's still swimming in the newborn ones. He'll get there soon enough!

The Birth {aka Part 2}

Well, I couldn't figure out why the scheduled posts didn't pop up last week, so I had to create a new post altogether... hence the delay. I left off prepping for surgery.

As I mentioned, J sat next to me and held my hand while my doctor started to preform the c-section. Unfortunately, I was staring straight up at the ceiling-- into a silver light fixture that reflected the image of what they were doing to me. Ugh. It wasn't pretty. It was like I was rubber-necking at an accident that was gruesome, but I just couldn't look away. Thankfully I couldn't feel anything, but my body was shaking uncontrollably!! The anesthesiologist told me that he would give me something for it once the baby was delivered and then told J that they were getting ready to pull the baby out if he wanted to look. Just as he stood up, I heard the doc say, "So, that's why you never turned." (He was breech for the entire pregnancy.) J told me later that the umbilical cord was wrapped around Finley's body like crazy, which is why he was measuring small for his gestational age during the last two ultrasounds. All of the nutrients had been going to his heart and brain. The assisting doc handed him over to the neonatal nurse practitioner who began to check his vitals. For a while, no one was talking. Then, I heard the NNP say to the doc, "There's a lot of fluid... a lot." At this point, J asked if he could go with the baby. Unfortunately, Fin was whisked off so quickly that I didn't get to meet him.

After the doc stitched me back up, I was taken to recovery. I remember being a chatty Kathy. I couldn't stop talking. J had looked like he was near tears when he left the room, but I could tell there was fear in his eyes. So, I asked the anesthesiologist and recovery nurses if they knew what was going on. That's when I was told that my baby had had 60 cc's (about 2 oz) of fluid in his lungs when he came out and was not fully breathing for nearly 7 minutes. Thankfully, the NNP that had been on duty for the surgery was filling in from a larger hospital in Denver while the normal staff was at a conference because she was a rockstar. She told J that was the most fluid she'd ever had to aspirate from a baby after delivery, but she was super calm and just kept working without fully letting on to J how scary the situation was.

After I left recovery, I went back to my room. I was alone for the next hour and a half and was still sick from the meds they had me on to prevent seizures. I was throwing up and miserable. Let me tell you... throwing up with fresh stitches in your belly is not fun. I just wanted to see J and know what was going on...

Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

The Story of Our Little Bean {Part 1}

So... let's see. We left off here. I was put on bed rest on Friday, September 17th-- 7 1/2 weeks before the expected due date of our little one. I was definitely disappointed, as I had planned to work right up until the due date, but I knew that my doctor was looking out for me and the baby. The plan was to go back to the hospital on the following Monday morning to have all of the tests rerun to see if anything had gotten worse, then go in again on Thursday to go through the process all over again if everything went well on Monday. I was really proud of myself for sticking to the bed rest plan all weekend, even though I was going crazy. By Sunday night, I looked like I had normal legs and ankles! It was amazing! I just knew that everything was going to come back okay on Monday.

I woke up around 3am Monday morning with a weird pain in the middle of my chest, just under my ribs. I couldn't sleep and was extremely uncomfortable, so I made note to mention it at my appointment. Later in the morning, J and I drove into town, and by the time we got to the hospital, my legs were swollen again. J dropped me off, as he had to stop by his office before working out of town for the day. Within 45 minutes of getting to the hospital, a nurse came in to tell me that the tests had come back and that I would be having our baby that day! I interrupted her and told her to hand me the phone. She kept trying to explain my results, but I interrupted her again and told her that I had to get in touch with J right now. Thankfully I caught him just as he was leaving town because if it had been just a few minutes later, then he wouldn't have had cell service the rest of the day. When I got off the phone, the nurse explained that my pregnancy-induced hypertension had turned into full-blown severe preeclampsia. {Because my doctor was working at a clinic 45 miles away, she was relaying all of information through the nurse. } That pain in my chest had not gone away, and the nurse had originally written it off as indigestion, although I knew that wasn't what it was. After speaking with my doc, the nurse came back in and told me that my test results suggested that my liver was failing and that it was becoming so enlarged that it was pressing against my ribs and chest causing the pressure I was experiencing. At the time, they didn't see any reason to do an immediate c-section, so they scheduled it for 4pm that day.

In cases of preeclampsia, there is a high chance of brain seizures, so I was given magnesium sulfate as a preventative. They warned me that I wouldn't feel too hot for about 48 hours. Uh... I was throwing up within minutes and felt like I was on fire. It was awful. They planned to take my blood and rerun all of the tests every two hours. J arrived shortly after I got the news that I would be going into surgery at 4. By then, it had been two hours since my first blood draw, so they did another one. {Unfortunately, my veins are not very cooperative and never have been, so they had to stick me over 7 times in a matter of 4 hours! I was pretty upset by then.} Those results came back fairly quickly and showed that I was getting worse. At this point, they had notified my doc, and she was already on her way to the hospital. They told us that I'd be going into surgery as soon as she arrived. My mind was spinning. I was going to have a baby... today. I barely even noticed when the nurse came in to insert my catheter.

The doctor arrived in about an hour, just enough time for me to call my parents to let them know what was going on. Amazingly, I was the most calm out of everyone. J looked like a deer in the headlights and wouldn't stop staring at me. My mom was crying on the phone, and my dad didn't seem to know what to say. I was just trying not to throw up anymore. Pretty quickly, I was wheeled into the operating room to get my epidural. I had always been scared of the thought of an epidural. But, for some reason, I remained calm when it came time to get it... that is, until I felt a twinge like a nerve had been hit. I let out a bit of a yelp. My doc and the doctor assisting held my hands for the last bit, as I was a bit more wide-eyed than before.

I was then laid down again and a blue "curtain" was put up between my head and my chest. J was allowed to come in to the operating room at this point. I asked him to sit next to me and not watch. I think I was afraid he'd be grossed out by seeing me all cut open. {Unfortunately, there was a silver light fixture above that left me rubber-necking the entire procedure.}

Stay tuned for the rest of the story...

She's Alive!!

No really... I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, although it certainly seems like it. I'm amazed at how little time I actually have to spare. Little bean doesn't sleep nearly as much as I had expected. His original due date came and went on Tuesday, which made me realize I hadn't updated you all in a long time. I don't have enough time to fill you all in right now, but I'll be back soon. Here's a quick wave from the little bean.

What a Week...

I wanted to check in quickly to let you know that our baby boy, Finley, was born just over seven weeks early on Monday, September 20th at 2:32pm. It has been such a roller coaster of a week, and we are still riding the ride. I hope to be back soon to give you a full update on what has been going on and how we are all doing. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We really appreciate it.

A Little Update

For those of you reading this post, you now know that I made this little blog of mine private. At some point, I hope to open it up again, but for now, it's the best option for me. Over the past few months and with growing readership, I have been receiving more and more anonymous, negative and troll comments on the blog that I've had to continuously moderate. I am sad that I've had to make the change, but I decided that my time was better spent doing things other than moderating comments.

Now... to explain my little absence on the blog the past couple of weeks. My parents flew in to town last week for my shower, so I took a few days off to work on the nursery and get things in order around the house. Thank goodness I did. Once my family left and J went back out of town for work, I started feeling a little crummy. I went to bed straight from work and abandoned all household duties, which is saying a lot folks!

I had been to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and had mentioned my Humongo-girl bloating, headaches, etc. All of my tests came back normal during that visit, but when I mentioned that baby boy wasn't moving as much, they decided to do an ultrasound. At that time, they noticed that he was measuring a bit small, so they decided we would do another ultrasound during this week's visit to see if he was just going to be a small baby or if he was falling off the charts in growth. When I arrived at my visit this Thursday, I was already noticeably very swollen for it being so early in the day. My blood pressure was elevated, and I had had a rapid amount of weight gain that caused some concern. When they did the follow-up ultrasound, they realized that his growth was not what was to be expected. With all of these warning signs, they decided to send me to the hospital for tests. After doing some fetal monitoring and an ultrasound of the blood flow through the umbilical cord, they said he is a happy baby... but my blood pressure and swelling had not gone down. It was then that they decided to admit me into the hospital for monitoring. I was told that I have pregnancy-induced hypertension, not yet pre-eclampsia. Thankfully, J was able to come back from working out of town a few days early just in time to stay the night with me at the hospital. My blood pressure came down just enough over the next 29 hours, and I was released. Unfortunately, I have been put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. They don't expect me to go until the original due date of November 9th and are hopeful that I go no earlier than 4 more weeks. I have my fingers crossed that bed rest will keep my health in check and not cause them to schedule the birth for any earlier than that. I go back to the hospital on Monday for them to re-run tests, and if all goes well, I'll go home again to come back and repeat the process on Thursday, and so on. Each appointment will be a weight off my shoulders, for sure! They gave me 2 shots during my stay to boost baby's lung growth in case I have to deliver in the next week. Fingers crossed that's not going to happen! The goal is to have baby boy stay in me as long as possible.

So... that's where things stand right now. I had hoped to get some pictures loaded of the nursery for you to see, but it looks like I'm strapped to my bed/couch for a while.

You're So Vain... I Bet You Think This Post is About You

But really, it's about me. And my freakin' vanity. I wish I were talking about something like this...

^from Lonny

But alas, I'm not.

I've decided to be fully open and honest with you guys here. I'm struggling with the changes I'm going through physically... and consequently, emotionally. I didn't think I'd react like I am, but it's hitting me hard. In the past two weeks, I've felt like I'm living in someone else's body... a body that surely does not belong to me... one that shows no sign of physical activity despite eating healthy and exercising... one that very possibly belongs to Humongo-girl. And believe me, Humongo-girl is no super hero. She's down-right evil.

She gets pimples in weird places... like her collarbone and neck. Her nose is twice, sometimes three times!!, the size of a normal person's schnoz. Her face shows no signs of cheekbones. And her ankles... they don't exist. Cankles are the only form of connection of feet to legs. Those runner's legs... nowhere to be found. The only things visible are tree trunks emerging from cankles, which just happen to be attached to duck feet... duck feet that will not fit in regular shoes. Her arms are that of a seal. Her hair lies limp. She drinks her weight in water, and pees constantly... but still retains water. And just recently, she's begun to fart uncontrollably. She's in a foul mood because of all of this... which makes her even madder at herself.

Seriously though. I'm struggling. I fully understand that my body must go through changes to help my baby grow. But DANG. Does it have to make you feel so freaking disgusting? I haven't actually gained much weight, but apparently, the weight has found the worst possible places to deposit itself. No matter how much I do to get ready in the morning, I feel like a big turd by 10. I run for my first bathroom stop, take one look in the mirror while washing my hands, and I just want to cry. In fact, I've had to fight back tears a lot lately. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that it bothers me. I don't want to be jealous of my co-worker's wife who is all belly and due at any minute. I don't want to be jealous of the girl that I saw at the airport last month and am still thinking about. I wish I could just move on and be overjoyed that I am going to bring our little boy into this world. But, I can't freakin' move past my own vanity. How sorry is that? It kills me. Don't get me wrong-- I cannot wait to have our wee one in my arms in just over two months, and not just because the gestation period will be over. I am completely ecstatic that our "family" is expanding. I just wish my entire body weren't expanding with it.

Please tell me I'm not the only one out there that has had these feelings. I think I'm beating myself up over my feelings as much as my feelings are beating me up. I'd like to move on. I just haven't quite figured out how just yet...

Personal Growth

Apparently, my husband thinks I'm mean. Don't ask me why... I just don't feel like sharing bare-belly shots with anyone. Is that bad? {I am a good girl and have been sending pictures anyway.} I've been bad about taking pictures every week, so I'm settling for a couple a month.

Last night, J mentioned that it seems like I've grown quite a bit in the past couple of weeks. So, I pulled up the pictures tonight. There's definitely a change!

Since I've been getting so many emails asking for belly pics, I thought I'd give in and share here, too. Here's a little "show" for you-- and don't worry-- they're not too bare-belly.

Week 23

Week 27 (aka last week)

Please excuse the poor quality and the fact that I took them myself in my bathroom mirror... and that I'm looking a little rough. I saved you from the bare-belly week 27 pic, as I felt a bit more "exposed".

We started our prenatal classes this past Monday. It's hard to believe I'm already 28 weeks along. Time is flying!