^from LonnyBut alas, I'm not.
I've decided to be fully open and honest with you guys here. I'm struggling with the changes I'm going through physically... and consequently, emotionally. I didn't think I'd react like I am, but it's hitting me hard. In the past two weeks, I've felt like I'm living in someone else's body... a body that surely does not belong to me... one that shows no sign of physical activity despite eating healthy and exercising... one that very possibly belongs to Humongo-girl. And believe me, Humongo-girl is no super hero. She's down-right evil.
She gets pimples in weird places... like her collarbone and neck. Her nose is twice, sometimes three times!!, the size of a normal person's schnoz. Her face shows no signs of cheekbones. And her ankles... they don't exist. Cankles are the only form of connection of feet to legs. Those runner's legs... nowhere to be found. The only things visible are tree trunks emerging from cankles, which just happen to be attached to duck feet... duck feet that will not fit in regular shoes. Her arms are that of a seal. Her hair lies limp. She drinks her weight in water, and pees constantly... but still retains water. And just recently, she's begun to fart uncontrollably. She's in a foul mood because of all of this... which makes her even madder at herself.
Seriously though. I'm struggling. I fully understand that my body must go through changes to help my baby grow. But DANG. Does it have to make you feel so freaking disgusting? I haven't actually gained much weight, but apparently, the weight has found the worst possible places to deposit itself. No matter how much I do to get ready in the morning, I feel like a big turd by 10. I run for my first bathroom stop, take one look in the mirror while washing my hands, and I just want to cry. In fact, I've had to fight back tears a lot lately. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that it bothers me. I don't want to be jealous of my co-worker's wife who is all belly and due at any minute. I don't want to be jealous of the girl that I saw at the airport last month and am still thinking about. I wish I could just move on and be overjoyed that I am going to bring our little boy into this world. But, I can't freakin' move past my own vanity. How sorry is that? It kills me. Don't get me wrong-- I cannot wait to have our wee one in my arms in just over two months, and not just because the gestation period will be over. I am completely ecstatic that our "family" is expanding. I just wish my entire body weren't expanding with it.
Please tell me I'm not the only one out there that has had these feelings. I think I'm beating myself up over my feelings as much as my feelings are beating me up. I'd like to move on. I just haven't quite figured out how just yet...
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13 comments:
While I have yet to experience the joys of pregnancy, I think what you are going through is very normal. Pregnancy does crazy things to your body! I bet you look gorgeous, I love when I see pregnant women with their glow :)
My first thought was to tell you that you are beautiful! And while you feel terrible your creating a baby which is not something everyone else can say. I mean come on that's pretty impressive. That being said I've never been pregnant, and when I do get the chance I’m positive I will feel the exact same way. And I probably won’t want to hear all those positive comments because well that’s just me. So I do whole heartedly mean what I wrote first. But I sure don’t blame you for giving that all belly woman the evil eye. :)
ugh... my friend went through the exact same thing! she would not take any photos while she was pregnant :( I think the hardest part for her (this may sound familiar) is that she was just coming off her wedding, lowest WW numbers, etc. and then her body went totally out of wack when changing for the baby... she has a healthy little girl who's just about 5wks and she is really mentally and physically back to her old-ish self. You can do it!!
and- i LOVE that vanity :)
oh abbie!!! you are completely NORMAL!!! it downright sucks to see your body grow & expand and betray you! oh, but i promise you ... when that little guy is in your arms, you won't remember ANY of it. well ... until you try getting into your pre-pg jeans, which i don't recommend you doing until 1 year from delivery! ;)
no seriously ... please remember ... you are creating a miracle in there. a teeny tiny miracle.
this shall all pass {and i promise i'm not being trite} ... just pull up your boot straps ... shout out and vent anytime ... and know that you are normal! we all go through it. well ... all of us except those @#@##'s that gain 5 pounds, never get morning sickness, have energy for a full 9 months ... well ... you get my drift!
i'm not sure if i'll ever have a baby because of just this! I've always been nervous of the changes my body would go through...i'm totally ok with adopting.
i hated the way i looked pregnant, and also hated that i cared about it. i hated the way i looked after the baby was born even more. all the people who said that i'd forget about it once i had the baby, and that everything would be worth it, clearly were less vain than me. how come giselle got a beautiful baby AND looked amazing?
at 8 months post-partum, i'm really just now feeling like i'm getting my old self back. when people would say 9 months on, and 9 months off, i wanted to punch them because that sounded like forever. but the good news is that the time really does fly by. i'm down to breastfeeding just once a day now, and my boobs are finally starting to go back to normal. i'm probably 5 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight and, looking back, i wish i'd viewed it all as a science experiment. or like the tyra episode where she put on a fat suit.
i did a food delivery service for a month (thefreshdiet.com) at around 5 months and that was so helpful for me. oddly, my milk supply went up while i was doing it, too. weight watchers is also great. i know people will think i'm awful for suggesting a post-partum diet, but i felt so bad about myself with the extra weight that it really helped me emotionally. also, i wanted to have at least a few pictures of me with my baby that didn't make me cringe!
good luck, and honestly, don't worry about it!!! it's not forever.
You're totally normal!! While you don't see it, I'm certain you're still your beautiful self. Probably even more so because you're carrying your sweet little boy. Hugs...
Great post, so brave to share. I am sure that I will feel the same way when and if I have children. This too shall pass. xoxo big hugs. Laura T.
Well, first, that sucks. It sucks that you feel less-than-beautiful when you look in the mirror, and it sucks that you feel bad about feeling bad.
But, I have to tell you that I have never seen a pregnant woman and thought anything but,"Look how cute she looks with the belly."
I am just sending lots of encouraging thoughts your way. :)
Smile, you will be fine and you only have a short time more to go!
and- i LOVE that vanity :)
i'm not sure if i'll ever have a baby because of just this! I've always been nervous of the changes my body would go through...i'm totally ok with adopting.
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