Being a Mother and Being Me

{I'm going to lay some personal things out here, so please don't judge!}

I've written (and deleted) versions of this post many, many times during my blogging hiatus.  No matter how many times I write and rewrite, I just can't get the words out.  Honestly, I think I'm afraid of being misunderstood.  I've already written about how I was having a hard time carving out time for myself.  There's so much more to say, but the words have failed me.

I still have trouble carving out time for myself.  I find myself feeling guilty for wanting that time and guilty for not taking the time.  I know I could be a better mother, a better wife.  I want to be a better mother, a better wife.  I'm struggling with resentment towards my husband, and that makes my heart ache.  He does a lot.  I mean, a lot. He is an amazing father.  But, he gets to have basketball league.  He has skiing.  He has softball.  He has friends.  I know, I do, too... but all of us seem to be in the same boat, not taking the time.

A week before our vacation, J and I had a "discussion". (That sounds nicer than an argument, right?)  It started the same way most of our discussions had over the past two years. (Disclaimer-- we are not constantly fighting, even though that's how the last sentence may make it seem.)  He wanted to know why I was so mad. all. the. time.  The thing is, I'm not mad.  I'm just feeling like I've lost myself. It hurts, and I'm frustrated. It hurts that I can't seem to express what's going on with me no matter how hard I try.  Every time I've tried, we ended up having a discussion.  And that just sucks.  

I feel like I have to add the disclaimer to him that "I love my son more than life itself, but"... and that "but" confuses him.  Why do I need time away?  Don't mothers want to spend time with their children?  Yes, of course!  I just need an hour... can I have an hour, maybe four?

Just writing this makes me want to hug my little bug to pieces because I hate that it may seem like I don't want to be with him.  The thought just breaks my heart.  So, you see, I'm torn.  How do I balance being a mom with being me?  I need to find out how to create a new me with both pieces, and I'm finding that to be a lot harder than I ever imagined.

I hate that these feelings are making me sad. Over the past two weeks, I've been working overtime paying attention to how my mood may affect those around me, and I think it's helping us all be a little happier.  Now, to find that time...

Someone was obsessed with helping mommy weed on Mother's Day

I've Been Tagged!

It looks like I'm "it"-- Nina tagged me. Here are the rules:

7 Random/Weird Facts:

1. I have lived in three states. I was born in Missouri and lived there through 9th grade before moving to Arkansas. I have actually lived in Colorado longer than I lived in AR, but I tell people I'm from Arkansas when they ask where I'm from. I guess I think of it as my "home" because I went to high school and college there.

2. Before the age of 27, I had purchased two cars and a home all by myself... no co-signers, nothing.

3. I have played the violin and viola since 4th grade. I really wanted to grow up and play the electric violin in a rock band, a la Dave Matthews Band. Needless to say, my dream was not realized.

4. My closet is organized in the following manner: white, cream, yellow, orange, pink, red, green, blue, khaki, brown, grey, black... as well as organized by sleeveless, short-sleeved, and long-sleeved within those colors. My shoes are in wooden compartments with the right shoe facing out and the left shoe facing in. OCD, anyone?

5. I took the ACT in 7th grade through a Duke University program and received national recognition for getting a 28... and then promptly started taking night classes at my local college. My family sadly didn't seem to notice how amazing this achievement was because the same year, my cousin was crowned Miss Teen Tennessee. (This did nothing for my self-esteem, as I had a boy haircut and wore huge glasses... I didn't want to be the smart girl.) The last time I took it was in 10th grade, when I got a 34. I refused to take it again against my parents wishes. Give a girl a break!

6. I am a workaholic and usually have more than one job at a time-- most of my jobs have boasted tenures of 3 years +. A brief list of my job experience: tanning salon attendant, merchandising manager, retail cashier, waitress, hostess, bartender, dogsitter, t-shirt screenprinter, city pools manager, dealer services rep, hedge fund controller, accountant, IT consultant... I've been with my current company for over 7 years.

7. I don't actually have an engagement ring. I've been reluctant to mention this before, as I've noticed some harsh judgment on The Knot boards-- which I tend to avoid due to snarkiness. With the house on the market, J and I thought it was best to hang on to our moolah for as long as possible, hence the lack of a ring, a la Jenna, aka That Bride, aka Miss Avocado on Weddingbee. Hey, if Weddingbee accepted her before she had a ring, then you can't be too judgmental!

Anyone surprised about my "random" admissions? I'm not going to tag anyone, as I'm pretty sure everyone has already posted this one. Feel free if you haven't!

Too Much Information Once Again

Being sick is never fun. But, having the right tools to get you back on track definitely helps. To keep myself from getting a full blown sinus infection (according to my doctor, I wasn't quite there yet), I have been using the following:

My ceramic Neti Pot-- some people use plastic, but I prefer being able to throw mine in the dishwasher with no problems.
Emergen-C-- I don't like taking pills, so this is a better option for me.

Nasonex-- After I've used the Neti Pot, I use this. (*Quick reminder-- I am not a doctor, so get accurate advice from your GP.)

Mucinex--To avoid having this crud move into my chest, I take this.
**Disclaimer--I am not a physician/doctor of any kind and am only showing what I take. Please see a licensed physician for diagnosis and remedy.

A Fellow BO-aphobe (or TMI)

I just had to link to this post from the blog These Little Moments. This is a girl after my own heart. Not only does she have the word "shoes" in her blog description, but she also has a fear of having BO. I have struggled with this fear since elementary school. I have spent many years trying out every deodorant I could get my hands on because I was afraid I had become immune to my old one. I just spent every day of my trip home looking for my favorite deodorant and could only find the roll-on kind-- and no, it's not the same! What do I rely on day (and night)?