I've written (and deleted) versions of this post many, many times during my blogging hiatus. No matter how many times I write and rewrite, I just can't get the words out. Honestly, I think I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I've already written about how I was having a hard time carving out time for myself. There's so much more to say, but the words have failed me.
I still have trouble carving out time for myself. I find myself feeling guilty for wanting that time and guilty for not taking the time. I know I could be a better mother, a better wife. I want to be a better mother, a better wife. I'm struggling with resentment towards my husband, and that makes my heart ache. He does a lot. I mean, a lot. He is an amazing father. But, he gets to have basketball league. He has skiing. He has softball. He has friends. I know, I do, too... but all of us seem to be in the same boat, not taking the time.
A week before our vacation, J and I had a "discussion". (That sounds nicer than an argument, right?) It started the same way most of our discussions had over the past two years. (Disclaimer-- we are not constantly fighting, even though that's how the last sentence may make it seem.) He wanted to know why I was so mad. all. the. time. The thing is, I'm not mad. I'm just feeling like I've lost myself. It hurts, and I'm frustrated. It hurts that I can't seem to express what's going on with me no matter how hard I try. Every time I've tried, we ended up having a discussion. And that just sucks.
I feel like I have to add the disclaimer to him that "I love my son more than life itself, but"... and that "but" confuses him. Why do I need time away? Don't mothers want to spend time with their children? Yes, of course! I just need an hour... can I have an hour, maybe four?
Just writing this makes me want to hug my little bug to pieces because I hate that it may seem like I don't want to be with him. The thought just breaks my heart. So, you see, I'm torn. How do I balance being a mom with being me? I need to find out how to create a new me with both pieces, and I'm finding that to be a lot harder than I ever imagined.
I hate that these feelings are making me sad. Over the past two weeks, I've been working overtime paying attention to how my mood may affect those around me, and I think it's helping us all be a little happier. Now, to find that time...
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5 comments:
Oh Abbie. You're not alone. So many mothers feel this way and I think it just takes a while to find the balance. I think Todd has been really scared of the possibility of PPD for the past 3 years so he has always been very supportive of me taking time to spend with friends. But for a long time I didn't have a single mom friend, so I didn't have anywhere to go if I "went out." things have gotten better in the friend department and Todd still seems to understand why I need to get out of the house and do things that are just for me. So I can come home refreshed and happy. Just know that you aren't alone and it really is such a tricky balance to discover. Wish we could go out for a glass of wine right now!
HI there Abbie - I have followed your blog for a while but I don't think I have ever commented. I wanted to let you know you are not alone! I recall thinking this when you posted a similar post last year. I am struggling with finding time for myself. I work full time and feel that I need to spend every single minute with my son on the weekends and evenings. When my husband does things for himself I don't get it, how can he do this and not feel he missed an important moment with our son? So I don't know how to fix this either....I wish I did. When I do get out shopping out of necessity, I call home and feel I have to run home right away and cut my time out short. Is there anything you can do after your son goes to bed outside the house, so you don't feel too guilty for leaving? I started running in the evenings and that helped, until I stopped! ha. Hang in there.
hi, I came across your blog from another blog but I wanted to say your not alone in these mixed feelings. I have these types of discussions with my husband all the time in that I'm a SAHM and find myself always struggling with putting my needs anywhere on the list of importance. Recently, i've felt resentment building because it's so easy for my hubs to schedule whatever he wants anytime of day (golf outings, dentist appts,etc) with not a care to who's got the kids while I have to move mountains to schedule even a dentist appt. We talked about it but the solution still involves me having to bring it up to make sure he can watch the kids etc. I guess I just wanted him to recognize that I've always got his back and sometimes I feel like he doesn't have mine. We're working on communicating about this but I know how you can easily build resentment towards your hubs. My kids are always on my mind where I worry too much. I can say I started going to school again to help me have me time once a week and my kids are going to both be in summer camp a few days a week which will free up a few hours during the week. I think being "on duty" all the time will make this a hard transition for me and I'm nervous. I think this is why they say Motherhood is the toughest job out there. Hang in there. sending hugs your way.
We have 29, 28, 20 and a 18 year old. I swear they were all babies - Yesterday.
Maintain You and Just Like the Hubster joins groups and activities without a second thought for "who's going to watch the baby" ... you must also make plans for yourself and know with confidence, the child's other parent will watch him.
Your life has been enriched, not stopped because you have a baby. A baby who will leave both of you one day to start his own life, so Keep Yours!
God Bless and start planning :)
This is my first time coming across your blog.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
I have three beautiful children, ages 10, 9, and 1. I homeschool. We just moved so I know no one. Mama needs a break! I always feel guilty when I tell my hubby that I just need some time and "can I just go to the freakin' store by myself for once?!" I think what happens is that we hold it in but it still comes through with our emotions and attitude towards those we love. Then "the blow up" comes and they are left wondering what the heck just happened.
I've tried talking to my husband about it, but sometimes I feel like he thinks that since I am home all the time and don't have to work outside the home that I am getting a break. It's a crazy thing to try to balance.
I guess I don't have any real advice...just support. Best of luck to you!
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